Wednesday, September 15, 2004

A pedantic, pontificating bastard...

Someone stop the train, I want to get off.

Maybe it's that whole cognitive dissonance thing I reference in my subtitle, maybe it's just operating on 5 hours of sleep for too many days, maybe it's just the realization that my "to-do" list tops out at around 20 or so...and that's frequently in just the next 48 hours...or maybe it's just a lack of ability to suffer purile and pedantic bullshit, but I can honestly say that I'm getting pretty burned out on some law-related things right now. I ask myself - am I truly HAPPY doing all of this, doing it because I WANT to, or doing it because that's just what you're supposed to do this time of year during your 2L experience. On the one hand, I want to cover my bases, which means submitting all the shite for a bunch of OCI firms, even if I've never heard of them or have no idea what in ______ (insert your favorite deity here)'s name differentiates that firm from any of the other multiname firms.
On the other hand, I'm so tired and sick of pretending to hang on every interviewer's every last word, nodding in slightly-open-mouthed-agreement, as if those words coming from the firm rep's mouth held the very key to life's eternal secrets (I guess Admiral Stockdale would be curious..."who are we? why are we here?"...obscure 1992 vice presidential debate reference. but i digress...). It's almost like it's this little dance...they say and do the things they are supposed to, while we the interviewees do likewise; we all dress the same, talk the same, sound the same, have the same credentials (well, more or less...some of us a little less than more I suppose), blah blah blfreakinblah. To bastardize Billy, so much sound and pithy commentary, signifying nothing. HELL, I DON'T EVEN LIKE WINE, but I end up drinking it at these gatherings, because if one doesn't have a drink in hand, then perhaps one doesn't quite "fit the mold." Well maybe that's the freakin' point! (Does anyone else find it extremely ironic that we moan about a substance abuse problem in the legal profession, yet every social event or function, within the lawschool or in an interviewing context, must be lubricated via alcohol?)

I sometimes feel like I just want to stop the merry-go-round and step off, like I want to truly go follow my heart's inclination and work to fight the Dark Side in any way I can. (I would insert a BC04 link here, but I'll be damned if I'll facilitate any additional contact to them, even if no one else reads this but me anyway) (On a side note: Star Wars DVD's coming out next week! Perhaps I can learn something from Obi-Wan's wisdom...). This is especially amplified as we close in on less than two months to go before the most historic election of my lifetime, and realistically one of the most important elections in this country's history since 1860. But at the same time, I'm also realizing that knowledge is power, and power can be dangerous to one's health and outlook on life...the more I delve into that knowledge about the dark side, the closer I come to truly reflecting it in my own way, and I reach such a point of absolute self-loathing, anger, negativity, and just plain depression that I have to tune out...handy when there are 19 other things on the "to-do" list! There's always fantasy football, I suppose, but even that's ruined by the knowledge that I at least subconsciously if not overtly root not for a particular team anymore, but only for or against certain individuals or team defenses as it where, a complete bastardization of the "fan's experience" in my opinion.

I'll stop ranting for now, but this whole OCI thing has really been educational for me in multiple ways: I've learned things about myself that I didn't know, and while some of that is beneficial, I'm not sure I like all that I learned, and I'm not sure how to repress that ugly, dark side that I sense wanting to come out and play more frequently in the last couple of weeks. I got really scared a few days ago...food just didn't sound good, and I absolutely LOVE food! WTF!!!


Laugh it up, fuzzball!
Great shot kid...now don't get cocky!

HCBP

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